Dear GB

The two year mark passed without a lot of fanfare. I wished there was more. I hoped someone would remember, understand. I guess I needed someone to remember how hard that day was, how difficult it was to continue to exist in a world where you don't.

I visited StBs. I was wishing I was wrong, and you'd be there after Mass to shake my hand. I waited for you.

Happy Thanksgiving GB. I am thankful for you and the time we had together.

Please let me know you are still with me. I need that.

I love you.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

Hi there. It has been a long time since I've said "hi". I still think about you often.



What do I do about next Tuesday? I want to go, I want to be part of that all. However, I feel like I should put that part of life behind me. I wish K. would truly be interested in knowing my thoughts.



I feel it has taken me a long time to accept my talent, believe in my talent and be proud of it. I want to use my talent now! I don't want to waste it. I feel that time spent at activities ignoring my talents are wasteful.

I began writing this post yesterday, and today I find myself, knocked back down, questioning my talent, my purpose. I wish you were here to help me sort my life out. To pick up the pieces of my life that are being slowly chipped away.

Miss you GB. I love you.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

Still dreaming about you. Still missing you. Still loving you. Still confused.

I love you.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

I am missing you and all of our relationship.

I love you.

~Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

I have this recurring image in my mind of you holding my hand. I can almost feel the warmth of your hands against mine. If I close my eyes and stay still long enough, that feeling of total security almost touches my heart.

I felt whole when you were with me. You were the connection between my head and my heart. I miss the feeling of peace I had when you were near. You exuded peace. You were gentle, calm and caring. I felt safe. Secure. Loved.

I miss that. I miss you.

If only...

I love you.
~Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

I just want to sit with you. I want you to care for awhile. I'm tired of caring. I want to rest in your hands...

I love you.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

Just stopping by to say "hello". Missing you today, like always.

I love you.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

I feel something deep within. I think it maybe a flutter of hope. What is this feeling? It has been so far removed from my heart for so long. I think I like it, I think I may trust it. I wish you were here so I could share it with you.

I hope you'll guide me on this one. I once swore off youth ministry because I lost you. But I miss it and everything that goes with it. Perhaps this is your way in telling me that is where I belong?
It won't be the same without you. But, if I truly believe what I'm teaching, I'll believe that you are still with me, ministering all the way. Bringing kids to Happiness, Healthiness and Holiness.

Can we talk on Monday? I want to stop by and visit you. I'll leave the card there for you. I hope you get it.

I love you GB. I miss you always.
...Like a handprint on my heart...

~Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

Happy Father's Day.

I bought you a card. It wasn't until I walked out of the store did I realize that I can't send it to you.

I really needed you today.

I really need you now.

I will really need you tomorrow.

I miss you. I love you.
Thank you for being my "father".

~Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

I feel defeated. Lost.
It is like everything I do is smashed. My hopes gone. My good days fleeting. Why? When does it end? How does it end?
I just want to know that I'm loved. I need to be reminded that I am good.
Why can't I be happy, healthy and holy? What is standing in my way?

God, I miss you.

I love you, GB.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

I feel so defeated. For what am I working hard? What is it getting me? Why do I want to continue working hard if it isn't going to make any difference? No wonder I don't have any hope, it is stolen from me before it can ever grow.

I miss you so much. I want to melt into your arms and let your heart beat for mine for awhile. I want to let you hold onto my worry for a few hours. I want to just be with you. To breathe deeply and listen. I want to rest my head on our shoulder and my soul in your hands.

I want to be with you. I don't want to continue living without you.

I love you GB. I wish you were here with me.

~Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

Happy Anniversary.

I believe in the sun
even when it isn't shining.
I believe in love
even when I am alone.
I believe in God
even when he is silent.

I believe in you always.

~Your Daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

I feel so lost. I don't know where I am going in this world. I can see doors slamming shut in my face, but I can't seem to find any windows opening. I want someone to help me find my way. I want someone to care enough about me to help me.

Where do I go? To whom can I say, "I need your heart". I don't need someone to solve my problems, just someone to help, someone to care, someone to remind me of the things I tend to forget.

What would you say? What would you tell me?

I miss you GB. I love you.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

Could things get any worse? Just once I want life to go MY way. I want to have victory, a win. Why doesn't anything ever go my way. Every day I feel like "what else can happen"? What else will come along and knock me down today?

I'm tired GB. I worn out from this journey of life. I feel so alone in my struggles. Where is someone who will share the load with me?

I miss you. Work some magic up there for me. Okay?

~ Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

If you were here I'd tell you that I am not confident of myself or of my future. I'd tell you that I'm worried about the future. I'd tell you that I'm not sure of God and faith. I'd tell you all the stupid things that have been happening. I'd ask you for your advice about the future. I'd ask you to remind me that I'm a good person, with a good heart. I'd ask you to tell me once again that you love me and God loves me.

If you were here, I wouldn't hurt so much.

I miss you GB.

~ Your Daughter, Claire

Dear GB

I'm missing you today. I want to break open. I remember your lesson of breaking down to break through. I am waiting to break down.

I am tired of life; stressed out and unsure. The only thing that I can see clearly is the desire and the need to be with you. I want to talk to you. To hear your voice and revel in your words.
I wish you were still here with me. I miss you.

I love you, GB. Now and forever.

~your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

I'm not okay. I'm not whole. I'm not together. I am not okay.

I feel ready to fall apart at the seams. Like I keep stuffing it all down and one day I am going to rip open and spill out. But who would care?

I miss you, I miss you caring about me. Just once I want someone to say, "how are you?" and really mean it. I miss you wondering how I'm doing. I miss you wanting to know about me. I miss your hugs.

Does anyone care? Does anyone really want to help me through? Can anyone see through the facade?

I love you GB. I miss you with every breath.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

I think today was the first day in a long time that I didn't feel like crying. I didn't have that knot nestled in the back of my throat. It isn't that I didn't miss you, but I knew you were right beside me.

I don't know what Friday was about. I don't know if that was you, or just a coincidence... either way it was one heck of a statement.

Thanks for the reminder.

I love you.

Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

Was that you? Did you send that message to me?

"My daughter, I am here"


Thanks. I love you.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

I just wanted to say that I love you and cherish you.


~Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

I love you.

You are in my mind today, and as always, on my heart.

I have a hard time understanding what forever means. It seems impossible that I will have to spend the rest of my life without you. I'll never get another hug, or hear another sermon. I keep thinking that if I show up at StBs. you'll be there. I know it sounds crazy, but I have a hard time distinguishing between my hope and reality. I know you are gone, but I can't believe you are. I mean, really, is it possible to not have you here anymore.

I almost drove to visit you again today. I didn't because I wouldn't make it in time. I know it seems ridiculous, but I just want to sit there. I want to lay in front of your stone. I want to feel close to you again. To smell your smell, feel your heart beat next to mine. I want to be reminded that you love me. Because, I don't think I can survive without that love...

I love you, GB...and I miss you.

~Your daugher, Claire.

Dear GB

I went for a walk last night and I began to think about you. Over my iPod, the song Thanks started to play....

Thanks for keepin' track of me
Thanks for givin' a hang about me
Thanks for sayin' that You love me
Thanks, just thanks
Thanks for lettin' me know You care
Thanks for always bein' there
Thanks for making me do my share
Thanks, just thanks
Can't thank You enough
I'm high from You liftin' me up
Thanks for sayin' what You said
Thanks for clearin' out my head
Thanks for givin' me hope instead
Thanks, just thanks
Thanks You left me who I was
Thanks You showed me what a smile does
Thanks You loved me just because
Thanks, just thanks
Thanks for cryin' when I bleed
Thanks for wavin' when I leave
Thanks for bein' what I believe
Thanks, just thanks

Remeber when we danced to this song? I listen to that song and remember the feeling of saftey and warmth. I remember thinking that in that moment, my world was okay.

I miss that feeling. I hear the song now and my heart stops. It stops because I won't have that feeling anymore. It stops because this song encapsulates everything I really meant when I said "thank you".

I love you GB. Thanks, just thanks.

~your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

I love you GB.

Today is Good Shepherd Sunday. It seems fitting to honor you today; a shepherd to me for so many years.

I realized that youth ministry doesn't seem meaningful anymore. It doesn't make sense without you. I don't want to be a part of it you aren't there. Maybe that's why I left, maybe that's what has kept me out for so long, maybe that's why I cry when I'm involved in it. Youth liturgy isn't beautiful, because the Jesus I remember seeing is gone.

How do I survive the remaining years of my life without you? I'm waiting for this to go away. For you to come back and hug me once again. I'm waiting to wake up and find you singing in your kermitt the frog voice again.

I guess, in some ways, I'm mad at you. I'm mad that you are done with me, I'm NOT done with you. I'm not done learning from you, I'm not done growing with you, I'm certainly not done loving you. I don't understand how you can be done with me. Why didn't you fight to stay here, with me, longer? Why didn't you ask God for more time? Why did you just give up and go? Didn't you know that it would hurt me?

Or, maybe I'm mad at God. Why did you take him? Why did you think it would be okay? Didn't you see that I need him here. I need him to continue to be present in my life. It isn't okay that he's gone. It won't ever be okay that I lost out on the years.

I don't want to move on and "survive", because I don't want anyone to ever say that I did okay without you. GB, you are always and forever will be the foundation of who I am.

I miss you so very much. I love you to the end of time.

~Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

Hi GB.

I visited you for the first time since it happened. It was good to be there, to be "close". I let my forhead rest on the cool marble above your name. Hoping that I could pick up a kiss from you. I was transfixed by the dash between the dates. It seems impossible that the insignificant and scant, thin piece of a metal could mean and hold so much. That dash is where you and I shared life. What I wouldn't give to have the dash be longer...

I had a nice conversation with K. on Friday. On the way home, I thought about my perception of the "perfect visit", (being with you and K.). It hit me on the way home, that for right now, this was the perfect visit. It isn't how I truly want it, but for now, it is how it is going to be.

Thanks. For spending time with me.

Even, after all this time, I still can't be me without you. I miss you more each day.

I love you, GB.

~your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

I miss you.

There are so many words tangled in my heart to explain how I feel. But they all seem to mean the same thing...

I miss you.

I saw a quote the other day and I thought of you.
I looked at the sky today and it was beautiful; then I realized it was because you are up there.

God, I miss you. Do I really have to wait until forever to see you again?

I love you.

~your daughter, Claire.