Dear GB

I love you GB.

Today is Good Shepherd Sunday. It seems fitting to honor you today; a shepherd to me for so many years.

I realized that youth ministry doesn't seem meaningful anymore. It doesn't make sense without you. I don't want to be a part of it you aren't there. Maybe that's why I left, maybe that's what has kept me out for so long, maybe that's why I cry when I'm involved in it. Youth liturgy isn't beautiful, because the Jesus I remember seeing is gone.

How do I survive the remaining years of my life without you? I'm waiting for this to go away. For you to come back and hug me once again. I'm waiting to wake up and find you singing in your kermitt the frog voice again.

I guess, in some ways, I'm mad at you. I'm mad that you are done with me, I'm NOT done with you. I'm not done learning from you, I'm not done growing with you, I'm certainly not done loving you. I don't understand how you can be done with me. Why didn't you fight to stay here, with me, longer? Why didn't you ask God for more time? Why did you just give up and go? Didn't you know that it would hurt me?

Or, maybe I'm mad at God. Why did you take him? Why did you think it would be okay? Didn't you see that I need him here. I need him to continue to be present in my life. It isn't okay that he's gone. It won't ever be okay that I lost out on the years.

I don't want to move on and "survive", because I don't want anyone to ever say that I did okay without you. GB, you are always and forever will be the foundation of who I am.

I miss you so very much. I love you to the end of time.

~Your daughter, Claire.