Dear GB

I'm not okay. I'm not whole. I'm not together. I am not okay.

I feel ready to fall apart at the seams. Like I keep stuffing it all down and one day I am going to rip open and spill out. But who would care?

I miss you, I miss you caring about me. Just once I want someone to say, "how are you?" and really mean it. I miss you wondering how I'm doing. I miss you wanting to know about me. I miss your hugs.

Does anyone care? Does anyone really want to help me through? Can anyone see through the facade?

I love you GB. I miss you with every breath.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

I think today was the first day in a long time that I didn't feel like crying. I didn't have that knot nestled in the back of my throat. It isn't that I didn't miss you, but I knew you were right beside me.

I don't know what Friday was about. I don't know if that was you, or just a coincidence... either way it was one heck of a statement.

Thanks for the reminder.

I love you.

Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

Was that you? Did you send that message to me?

"My daughter, I am here"


Thanks. I love you.

~Your daughter, Claire

Dear GB

I just wanted to say that I love you and cherish you.


~Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

I love you.

You are in my mind today, and as always, on my heart.

I have a hard time understanding what forever means. It seems impossible that I will have to spend the rest of my life without you. I'll never get another hug, or hear another sermon. I keep thinking that if I show up at StBs. you'll be there. I know it sounds crazy, but I have a hard time distinguishing between my hope and reality. I know you are gone, but I can't believe you are. I mean, really, is it possible to not have you here anymore.

I almost drove to visit you again today. I didn't because I wouldn't make it in time. I know it seems ridiculous, but I just want to sit there. I want to lay in front of your stone. I want to feel close to you again. To smell your smell, feel your heart beat next to mine. I want to be reminded that you love me. Because, I don't think I can survive without that love...

I love you, GB...and I miss you.

~Your daugher, Claire.

Dear GB

I went for a walk last night and I began to think about you. Over my iPod, the song Thanks started to play....

Thanks for keepin' track of me
Thanks for givin' a hang about me
Thanks for sayin' that You love me
Thanks, just thanks
Thanks for lettin' me know You care
Thanks for always bein' there
Thanks for making me do my share
Thanks, just thanks
Can't thank You enough
I'm high from You liftin' me up
Thanks for sayin' what You said
Thanks for clearin' out my head
Thanks for givin' me hope instead
Thanks, just thanks
Thanks You left me who I was
Thanks You showed me what a smile does
Thanks You loved me just because
Thanks, just thanks
Thanks for cryin' when I bleed
Thanks for wavin' when I leave
Thanks for bein' what I believe
Thanks, just thanks

Remeber when we danced to this song? I listen to that song and remember the feeling of saftey and warmth. I remember thinking that in that moment, my world was okay.

I miss that feeling. I hear the song now and my heart stops. It stops because I won't have that feeling anymore. It stops because this song encapsulates everything I really meant when I said "thank you".

I love you GB. Thanks, just thanks.

~your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

I love you GB.

Today is Good Shepherd Sunday. It seems fitting to honor you today; a shepherd to me for so many years.

I realized that youth ministry doesn't seem meaningful anymore. It doesn't make sense without you. I don't want to be a part of it you aren't there. Maybe that's why I left, maybe that's what has kept me out for so long, maybe that's why I cry when I'm involved in it. Youth liturgy isn't beautiful, because the Jesus I remember seeing is gone.

How do I survive the remaining years of my life without you? I'm waiting for this to go away. For you to come back and hug me once again. I'm waiting to wake up and find you singing in your kermitt the frog voice again.

I guess, in some ways, I'm mad at you. I'm mad that you are done with me, I'm NOT done with you. I'm not done learning from you, I'm not done growing with you, I'm certainly not done loving you. I don't understand how you can be done with me. Why didn't you fight to stay here, with me, longer? Why didn't you ask God for more time? Why did you just give up and go? Didn't you know that it would hurt me?

Or, maybe I'm mad at God. Why did you take him? Why did you think it would be okay? Didn't you see that I need him here. I need him to continue to be present in my life. It isn't okay that he's gone. It won't ever be okay that I lost out on the years.

I don't want to move on and "survive", because I don't want anyone to ever say that I did okay without you. GB, you are always and forever will be the foundation of who I am.

I miss you so very much. I love you to the end of time.

~Your daughter, Claire.

Dear GB

Hi GB.

I visited you for the first time since it happened. It was good to be there, to be "close". I let my forhead rest on the cool marble above your name. Hoping that I could pick up a kiss from you. I was transfixed by the dash between the dates. It seems impossible that the insignificant and scant, thin piece of a metal could mean and hold so much. That dash is where you and I shared life. What I wouldn't give to have the dash be longer...

I had a nice conversation with K. on Friday. On the way home, I thought about my perception of the "perfect visit", (being with you and K.). It hit me on the way home, that for right now, this was the perfect visit. It isn't how I truly want it, but for now, it is how it is going to be.

Thanks. For spending time with me.

Even, after all this time, I still can't be me without you. I miss you more each day.

I love you, GB.

~your daughter, Claire.